Now.

I shall bust some heads, supernatural or not, in F.E.A.R. Release some stress.

Longboarding.

I wanted to go out and play some basketball, but it's too cold. May go out for a haircut later, although it'll be strange spending time with my grandmother after last week. I can tough it, though. I'm thinking about taking up longboarding. I'd do skateboarding, but I have too much concern over my balls and such. All that flippin' and flyin' just isn't my bag, man.

I got sucked into seeing my dad tomorrow because my dumb ass couldn't keep track of what day it was. That'll be fun..."No, still no luck finding a job, dad." Lots and lots of fun.

Brooke.

Yesterday, I finally got out after a week of staying inside this house. I was like a baby just out of the womb, totally senseless. Oh, fuck it. I can't THINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN HARDLY FORM A SENTENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.

Zodiac.

Just finished reading Robert Graysmith's first book on the Zodiac killer. There's something strange about reading about unsolved crimes. It highlights how incapable we are controlling our society, I think. The use of aliases was annoying, but on the whole an enjoyable and sometimes scary read. Scary because it's all true.

I've realized that any higher ambitions I once hoped to attain while still living or being in constant contact with my family are unfeasable. I can't even stay in this house. I need a steady income. More friends to validate my existence. A car to break through to the other side. I need to go to college and relive high school the right way. I NEED PUSSY!!! to really validate my existence. I need to lose all this weight so I don't hate what I see in the mirror. God, how did everything go so wrong? 8 months in this room...cabin fever is a very real thing.

Championship sunday!

The championships are today, so that's something to look forward. I finally got the seat on my uncle's bike down, so I can now reasonably ride without the threat of serious groin injury. Well, that threat is always there, but less pronounced now.

I had a dream about Therese and Liz last night. Therese rejected me at the movies, I think, and Liz and I made out something horny on a basketball court. I've gotta get some.

Watching this always puts a smile on my face.

Halfway decent.

Today was okay. After last night, my grandmother wanted to meet my mother in the parking lot of the nearby Walgreens, just to talk about me. And unload some product. Thankfully my mother, who now feels as if I'm on her side in this family crisis because I have almost as strained a relationship with my grandmother as she does, brought her A-game mouth and didn't let the old bitch do much talking. When she was finished, all she got was some "he needs to do something with himself, go out, get out of his room" and things of that nature. It's been awhile seen I consciously appreciate something my mother's done for me. However, it's a short list.

Some more music after that. I seriously think too much of it numbs me somehow, because I always feel slightly dumber after listening to...anything. That's sad. Perhaps I need new earphones. Like the giant ones that are more like earmuffs.

A couple of episodes of 30 Rock. And a slew of comments on the a.v. club that pissed quite alot of hipster douchebags. If I ever make it and get my movies made, I wonder if they'll ever interview me? Delusions of grandeur, you ask? Not when you're talking about the a.v. club.

My mother got her unemployment check in the mail, so she finally got to go to WalMart and have some fun, buying her assorted cleaning products and canned goods. That left me alone for awhile, so I watched some porn on Spankwire. I was originally going to jerk off to this one video with Deveux (sp?), this MILF performer who's got the tightest body in porn I've seen yet. I mean, literally, tight! And a botched boob job apparently, because there is definitely something very wrong with her left breast...there's like this dent. It isn't obvious for very long, however the rest of the video was only subpar so I browsed around for something else.

I finally found something I could tug to, this video with this deep-voiced black dude and a mixed girl with giant fake titties (basketballs, but perfect) arguing about whether her tits were bigger than his dick. He was arguing for length, while she argued for volume. I don't much go for debates in my porn, but it was satisfactory, and she was a rather good actress compared to most porn stars. Anyways, she proceeded to give what looked like really good head, and then decided that she needed to see how it felt with him inside of her in order to decide the contest. It wasn't that good from this point and I felt like finally getting it over with, so I rewound it to where she first starts moaning and says, really cute, "I don't know if it's big enough, but it sure feels good!" I'd like to a girl to tell me that one day.

Too much time has passed and I'm still a virgin. I've only held a girl's hand on two separate occassions, and I only gave her a partial kiss (she backed away, not ready I suppose). Thankfully that happened before my 18th birthday, but still...I'm tired of waiting. I wonder when my parade's gonna come to town. Or when I'll find a satchel by the side of the road full of money and go to Nevada to lose it to a prostitute. Soon, hopefully.

More insanity to come...