When the phone rings I hear the ice cream truck coming...

I am fat.

I don't know how else to say it. In fact, I won't even try. I am fat. Not obese, but overweight. I don't even think I could convince anyone that I'm just husky. Over the phone.

How could this have happened? At a younger and prouder time in my life, this was never a concern. I was always active, and then I was introduced to the wonderful world of cheetos and video games, and yet I still stayed thin. With the right amount of clothes on I could even be considered muscular.

Now that I've come to this realization, I must face the fact that it has nothing to do with my metabolism or my willpower, because back in the day I would eat just as much as I do now. It's because I am a lazy fuck. The only reason I wasn't like this before was at least when I went to school, I walked. Alot. Hell, I even put in a little running. First, from hoodlums, then, when I grew a pair, just for the hell of it. I even prided myself on the fact I could outrun actual runners. You know, the guys who win gold medals. Them in high school, but still - I was fast.

And now I'm a young Hutt, which always makes sense because of how corrupted my soul is. I am lazy, plain and simple, and that's because no one ever made me get off my ass and do some good ol' fashioned American work. All that salt of the earth shit. Elbow grease. I don't even think I've ever sweated from my elbows!

The point is, this has been going on for too long. And it's time for a change. Too much time has slipped by while I took the easy way out, the path of least resistence. Too many opportunities to grind myself and prove that I could hold my own missed to rather do something that deep down was only meant to pass the time. But not anymore. I look out on the horizon, and don't see the same me, permantly attached to his keyboard, starved for attention. I don't need it. Because that was the old me. The new me gets his ass up and burns calories! The new me gets up and fights fires! The new me pulls 18-wheelers all by himself!

America, are you ready for a change? I am, and I will.

...Eh, who am I kidding. When I die they're probably gonna find me in this seat, my hands stuck to the keyboard, if one of them isn't hanging by my side, holding a gun. People don't change. At least, not after just writing some inspirational paragraph. Or having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom, and resolving to not let this happen again, ever again. Just saying it means nothing. It takes a long time. It takes life.

But I really cannot stand this disgusting fat-body. I'm gonna have to do something about that. Where did I put that box of tapeworms?

More insanity to come...